Chasing Masculinity: Why It Hurts Sometimes

In my work, I have regularly come across young men trying to counter feelings of personal failure with attempts at (and these quotes are their words, not mine) “becoming alpha,” “building swag,” and “gaining clout.” You may have guessed (correctly) that I work with young adults. By this, they often mean that they are trying to embody that elusive image of masculinity. You can probably conjure up an idea of what that image looks like: it involves suppressing emotion, solving problems without help, being successful, and acting aggressively if needed (Jansz, 2000). Despite that initial hope many young men have that those qualities will help them, we know from the research that trying to conform to traditional male gender roles is actually related to more psychological distress (Hayes & Mahalik, 2000; Houle, Mashara, & Chagnon, 2008; Liu, Rochlen, & Mohr, 2005; Moller-Leimkuhler, 2003). Men who try to force themselves to stick to traditional gender roles are more likely to be reluctant to seek help and to struggle with expressing emotion, which can lead to difficulty admitting when they are in distress (Moller-Leimkuhler, 2003). In other words, they may not know how to talk about what’s going on for them, so they bottle up their emotions and suffer silently. Because of this reluctance to seek help and lean on the people in their lives, trying to conform to a traditional male gender role can increase the risk of suicidal behaviour (Houle, Mashara, & Chagnon, 2008). When we consider the research, we see that young men often experience a gender-specific pressure to conform to traditional masculinity, and that pressure can cause stress, worry, confusion, and misery.

The important takeaway is not that masculinity is harmful, but rather it can be harmful to mental health if someone is struggling silently for fear of appearing less masculine to others

The important takeaway is not that masculinity is harmful, but rather it can be harmful to mental health if someone is struggling silently for fear of appearing less masculine to others. Perhaps surprisingly to many people, research shows that men with high self-compassion are actually better able to adhere to masculine norms without internalizing shame or self-criticism for engaging in behaviours they view as less masculine (Health et al, 2017). In other words, when a man is self-compassionate, he is less concerned with whether self-compassion is considered masculine or not. He is more accepting of help when he needs it and acknowledges that mistakes and feelings of failure are a part of life, and understands that admitting either of these things does not legitimately threaten his masculinity. These qualities help him lead a healthy and balanced life. Luckily, self-compassion is a skill that can be developed through time, effort, and practice.

When a man is self-compassionate, he is less concerned with whether self-compassion is considered masculine or not. He is more accepting of help when he needs it and acknowledges that mistakes and feelings of failure are a part of life, and understands that admitting either of these things does not legitimately threaten his masculinity.

Building up self-compassion is one way of strengthening ourselves against the onslaught of external pressures that threaten our mental health. Self-compassion refers to viewing both positive and negative experiences as opportunities for growth and learning. It involves relating to yourself in a kinder way, understanding that failure and setbacks are a part of life, and recognizing your feelings and where they’re coming from. Self-compassion is a buildable skill that has been shown to improve mental health (Neff, Kirkpatrick, & Rude, 2007; Neff & McGehee, 2010) and help with motivation for our goals (Sirois, Kitner, & Hirsch, 2015). Part of the reason self-compassion is helpful to mental health is because it helps us become more self-accepting and view our weaknesses with less harsh criticism (Neff, Kirkpatrick, & Rude, 2007). When we are self-compassionate, we acknowledge our weaknesses but instead of trying to hide them away, we actively seek to learn from them or improve them because that's what will be helpful to us.

On that note, here’s a question I often hear about self-compassion: “I don’t want to accept myself. If I accept my mistakes, doesn’t that mean that I’m just being complacent and letting myself off easy? How do I improve myself if I just accept myself how I am?” First, it’s important to realize that this is a misconception. Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off easy, sometimes it’s actually about doing the more difficult thing because you know it’s better for you. Self-compassion is about acknowledging where you went wrong and committing to improvement for the future. Some people misguidedly assume that self-criticism will be the motivation they need to do better, but let’s look at an example. Imagine you’ve been planning on feeling healthier but get tempted by the donut in the lunchroom. If you beat yourself up for that decision and think to yourself “I’m useless. I don’t stick to any of my plans. I just ruined everything.” it’s likely that you’ve started down a self-critical spiral. Those self-critical thoughts lead to a depressed mood, and there goes your motivation to eat healthy for the rest of the day. Now imagine instead you try to take a self-compassionate approach. You think to yourself, “I regret that choice, but it happens. It’s not a big deal. I won’t lose all my progress if I just keep things balanced and make healthier choices the rest of the day.” That self-compassionate attitude may be enough to stop your motivation from crashing. Ideally, that attitude can carry on the next day, when you know the self-compassionate thing to do is to resist the unhealthy snacks because, as good as it would taste in the moment, you know it would upset you based on the health goals you’ve set for yourself. The self-compassionate thing isn’t the easy thing, it’s the what’s best for you thing.

"I’ve basically been taught not to share my feelings, so it makes sense that a lot of the time I feel like I can’t reach out to other people. It’s okay that I feel uncomfortable with the idea of talking to a friend about what I’m dealing with, in fact a lot of people feel the same way I do. At the same time, I know talking to people helps, and I know I deserve that help."

Let’s circle back to self-compassion and that gender-specific pressure to conform to traditional masculinity. So, what does self-compassion sound like for someone who is struggling with these issues? It could sound like “I’ve basically been taught not to share my feelings, so it makes sense that a lot of the time I feel like I can’t reach out to other people. It’s okay that I feel uncomfortable with the idea of talking to a friend about what I’m dealing with, in fact a lot of people feel the same way I do. At the same time, I know talking to people helps, and I know I deserve that help.” Self-compassion could look like texting that friend, calling that help line, or booking that counselling session. There’s hundreds of examples of what self-compassion could sound like or look like. And hey, if you think that could never and will never be you, let me tell you that reading an article on ways of showing yourself self-compassion is you being self-compassionate. References Hayes, J. A., & Mahalik, J. R. (2000). Gender role conflict and psychological distress in male counseling center clients. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 1, 116-125. doi:10.1037/1524-9220.1.2.116 Heath, P. J., Brenner, R. E., Vogel, D. L., Lannin, D. G., & Strass, H. A. (2017). Masculinity and barriers to seeking counseling: the buffering role of self-compassion. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64, 94-103. doi: 10.1037/cou0000185

Houle, J., Mashara, B. L., & Chagnon, F. (2008). An empirical test of a mediation model of the impact of the traditional male gender role on suicide behavior in men. Journal of Affective Disorders, 107, 37-43. doi: 10.1016/j.jad.2007.07.016

Liu, W. M., Rochlen, A., & Mohr, J. J. (2005). Real and ideal gender-role conflict: Exploring psychological distress among men. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 6, 137-148. doi:10.1037/1524-9220.6.2.137 Möller-Leimkühler, A. M. (2003). The gender gap in suicide and premature death: Why are men so vulnerable? European Archives of Psychiatry & Clinical Neuroscience, 253, 1-8. doi:10.1007/s00406-003-0397-6 Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K. L., & Rude, S. S. (2007). Self-compassion and adaptive psychological functioning. Journal of Research in Personality, 4, 139-154. doi: 10.1016/j.jrp.2006.03.004

Neff, K. D., & McGehee, P. (2010). Self-compassion and psychological resilience among adolescents and young adults. Self & Identity, 9, 225-240. doi: 10.1080/15298860902979307 Sirois, F., Kitner, R., & Hirsch, J. (2015). Self-compassion, affect, and health-promoting behaviors. Health Psychology, 34, 661-669. doi: 10.1037/hea0000158